Accelerating Cutenesses

Every time I turn around, cutie pie is doing more adorable things! Latest include:

Loving her reflection in the mirror! May have already described … even twisting while on the change table to get a glimpse of herself, then smiling, laughing, bouncing.

Definite babbling! Consonants are coming out of her mouth now. And she gums up her mouth so adorable baby-Popeye-ish while babbling! Especially in her soft baby voice.

Of course, shrieking as loudly as she can is also incredibly cute!

Stuffing her face with food! She’s definitely getting solids down, now including yams, potatoes, broccoli, bread, a tiny bite of salmon, fusilli, orange, apple, beans, and lemon. Yes. My dad gave her a squeezed-out lemon skin and she chowed down, going back for more after making sour faces! Some of her eating is followed by scary gagging/puking, but I understand it’s par for the course – she will self-regulate and learn not to cram too much into her mouth.

Picking at the bunny fur on her new “pat the bunny” book with her rosy lips pouting open, little body bending forwards, head focused and soft, softy cutie love love!

Playing piano! We have a piano temporarily in our back room and she pounds it when given the chance.

When I’m carrying her in the Ergo, pulling back to look me in the eyes, her eyes big and dark and round, and then rubbing her head in my chest … love.

And the list goes on!

Wow my sweetie!!

Still in love with my daughter :). She has a few new things lately that are delighting me.

Kicking her feet against the toilet when she sits on it
Expanding her vocal range by screaming AS LOUDLY AS SHE CAN
Her sweet, soft, sweet voice talking to her food!
“eh! Unh! Ehmmmeuh!” urgent noises she has started making while nursing
Grabbing my breast with both hands to move my nipple into her mouth, especially when she nurses at night.
Wanting to chew on food while I carry her in the Ergo in the mornings
Her sweet calmness when we’re out doing errands or walks in the Ergo. Resting her sweet head against my chest
Her “squinchy face” – scrunching up the top of her nose and her eyes when she’s in the sun. New favourite baby expression!
Her love of rolling. Especially when playing with mommy and daddy! For example, if I’m on my back and she’s on my chest, she’ll smile and lean off to her left, trying to roll onto the bed. And smile and laugh when I roll her down.
Smiling at mirrors! She knows her own reflection and loves to see it and smile at it. A sure-fire way to cheer up a crying girl.
Super-long naps – she’s had a couple 3 hour-range naps the last few days. Freaked me out at first – now it’s just sweet. And helpful.

Every stage is bringing new and amazing things to light about my beautiful girl.

Thoughts on Sleep

I’ve been absorbing sleep “facts” from a wide range of sources, listening to conversations, participating in conversations, and generally trying to make sense of the sleep question: Should you try to get your baby to sleep? If so, how? Here’s where I’m at with it now.

1. Biology: babies have more light sleep and faster sleep cycles than adults. When they enter light sleep, if something isn’t right – hungry, cold, wet, breathing problems, warm, lonely, scared – they wake up and let their parents know. This is the only way to get those needs met, and kind of vital for survival. If my baby wakes up, I assume it’s because of a need and I think it’s my job to meet those needs.

2. Evolution: though I wasn’t a big believer in turning to evolutionary explanations for behaviour & parenting choices, now I am, at least for the first couple of years. For survival, babies needed to wake up to get parents’ attention, and sleep with their parents – not to mention spend the days with them too (i.e., babywearing). And I believe those needs, etched into the biological expectations of babies, still exist.

3. Attachment: From what I’ve learned about attachment parenting & psychological development, children develop the most secure sense of self when they are continuously in the presence of caring adults and when their requests for help or for needs are responded to. For me this means being near my sleeping baby, and trying to figure out what she needs when she wakes up at night. It is “nighttime parenting” as the Sears’ call it, not just putting baby down and walking away. And I believe that this closeness builds my own closeness with her, our mutual bond, through simple association, hormones and everything else that works on new parents, and I believe this is vital to my happiness, sense of well-being and confidence as a parent, and to her emerging sense of security and self.

4. Development and time perspective: Right now, baby is less than a year old. She’s barely been on this earth. Of course she wakes up; of course she wants to be near me; of course she wants to nurse at night. It is appropriate for her stage of development. And I know that the day will come when she will want her own room, will not wake up at night (and not need us if she does wake) and will walk down to the kitchen to get her own glass of water. We may help move this process along as parents – lovingly, if appropriate – but regardless, I know that we will get there. So I don’t worry that she will “always” be in our bed, that she’ll “never” sleep well. She will. I’ve adjusted my temporal expectations to a scale of years rather than months, and I’m comfortable with this.

5. Respect and kindness. Though babies have different needs and expectations than adults, our baby is still a little human, just with different communication abilities. Accordingly, I want to treat her with the kindness and respect I would give another adult. If an adult who doesn’t speak my language asks me for something, I would like to provide that. I don’t want another adult to be lonely, scared, cold, hungry, thirsty or uncomfortable, and have those needs ignored or minimized. I would try to understand what that person wanted and fill the need. So if my daughter, who also can’t speak my language yet, asks me for something – by waking up, making crying sounds, or any of the other ways she asks for help – I want to show her the respect and kindness I would give an adult by listening to her and trying to fill those needs.

Even with all the above, which is deeply true for me and my beliefs about the world, I still wish my daughter would sleep for a longer stretch at night. She has been waking up about every 2 hours lately. Yes. I just realized this over the last few days. And by her last couple of nighttime wake-ups each night, it is true too that I am not exactly glad that she wants attention yet again, and that putting my hands on her and shushing her just don’t work. I am, in fact, quite frustrated and slightly angry. I would welcome solutions that would enable her to sleep for longer stretches, waking up just 2 or maybe 3 times per night. That would be really great. Nonetheless, I am so glad that she sleeps beside me; that I can respond to her when she has needs; that she is not left to cry by herself; that someone is with her when she wakes. And while I search for solutions that resonate with my beliefs, I also know that she will sleep through the night one day soon as my little girl grows up.

More baby love

Oh my sweetie. While in the Ergo she now plants her face, wide-open mouth, on my chest and kisses/sucks me. It cracks me up and tickles at the same time.
She’s like a little wind-up toy – just before she crashes she’s going, going, going, then suddenly asleep.
Her little sighs as she’s nursing, finished nursing, cuddling into me – melt my heart!
Lying on my chest, laughing, sloppy-kissing me, then rolls off the side onto her back on the bed, laughing.
Grabbing and chewing anything that comes her way. Anything!
Finger painting the Bumbo tray with yam – please, sweetie, put some in your mouth! She took a tiny bit from the tip of my finger. And delights in squeezing the big sections I give her into piles of mush.
She’s becoming such a big girl! She makes me laugh, she responds and interacts, she’s a real person and I’m getting to know her.
Lucky. And love love love.

Letter to the CBC

I just sent this letter to the show “White Coat, Black Art” which ran a segment today on guilt, formula feeding and breast feeding:

As a mother who hasn’t been able to produce enough breast milk for my baby (we supplement my breast milk with donated milk and formula), I listened with interest to this program. What I would have liked to hear is a real description of what support for breastfeeding looks like.

From my experience, support from health care professionals means providing far more pre and post-natal knowledge about what mothers can do to maximize their success – skin to skin contact, babywearing, feeding on cue, laid back nursing, and many others – and providing the practical help to trouble shoot, such as helping a new mom put her baby in a sling, adjust her latch, and help her adjust to the new lifestyle that producing a milk supply requires.

Support from friends and family means taking care of cooking, cleaning and other demands, and keeping away distractions that prevent mom and baby from spending the intense time together that it takes to get feeding started right. It also means telling her she’s doing a great job.

Support from society means questioning our assumptions that babies should fit conveniently into our existing routines. It means expecting that new moms will be absorbed mind, heart and body with their new baby and that this is a good thing, rather than expecting them to get the baby onto a schedule and themselves out into the world as quickly as possible.

If we actually actively supported breast feeding in our society, many more women would experience breastfeeding success. And knowing that this support is there, we should be able to extend it fully to those women who, for whatever reasons, need to feed their babies by other methods.

Finally, it would have been nice to hear mention of continued breast feeding even in those cases where a woman has only a partial supply. I have chosen to continue though my daughter doesn’t get her full nourishment from me, because I know all the benefits she does get even from a partial supply. Encouraging mothers who can only partially feed their children to continue with that is another way to provide support.

1 Scene, Many Readings

A while back baby & I wandered to the library on a Saturday to return some books. Turns out it was the anniversary celebration for the library – speeches, cake and prizes. I entered both our names in the draw and my name was pulled! I could pick from a number of sets of books. There was a complete works of Jane Austen collection which I really wanted. But instead I chose a small pile of baby books. When I got them home I realized that one played an electronic song on the last page, one was a nice story about parental love, and the third was a generic baby-learning book about colours, not really educationally appropriate from my perspective.

I wallowed in this situation for the next 12 hours. Here are some of the perspectives I used to approach it.

1) Selfishness and sacrifice. I thought I was sacrificing my own desires to provide something for my child. Sounds like a good mom, right? But in reality, I denied myself something I really wanted, that I reasonably could have had, and got instead something completely marginal for my child which we have barely used since then. And I deeply regretted not having the book set since it was something I would have loved but would not purchase for myself. Are there times to sacrifice for your child? Sure, all the time. Like waking for on-demand nursing, for example. But sacrifice means to give up something lower for something higher, and I don’t think that applies in this case.

2) Minimalism. We were in the midst of an on-going attempt to minimize our possessions. I thought, why add a collection of books to our shelves when our goal is to have less? But is that really the goal? I think it’s more like, to have only things we love and use. From that perspective, the Jane Austen set might have been better. I would have loved it for years. But again with the other hand: I have copies of the 3 Austen books I love (P&P, Emma and Mansfield Park), and GAVE AWAY my copies of her other books as they weren’t my favourites. And if I added a full set of matching books to our shelves, it would be very hard for me to break the set up and give away individual books I didn’t love. Still not completely sure what side I come down on with this interpretation.

3) Consumer culture and choice. Choice theory has it that we are happier with fewer choices. Choosing between 4 – 6 types of jam, we’re happy with our choice. Faced with 30 types, we are less happy, regardless of what we walk away with. Before the library, I didn’t have the Jane Austen books or new books for baby. After the library, I had 3 new books for baby plus the fun of winning something. And yet I was significantly less happy because I thought I’d made a poor choice. If someone had just given us the books – or I’d had fewer choices – I might have been happier.

4) Personal growth and the meaning of life. The situation pushed me to grapple with why I was so frustrated and regretful: because of the absence of a few material objects. Not a proud moment! Nonetheless, my emotional response provided the opportunity to look inside myself, understand myself, remove myself from the material realities of the situation and consider the bigger question of what I could learn from this and how I could respond more appropriately next time. From that perspective, my frustration was a gift that allowed me to know myself better.

Conclusion: Anything that happens to us can twig off multiple interpretations. If we let ourselves feel through them without denying our emotions there are things to learn. And next time, take the books.

Importance of Support

I think of myself as pretty independent and strong-minded. I tend to do what I want regardless of others’ views. Growing up in a different religion with a strange last name and a foreign look definitely help. All the same, lately I’ve seen the value of being around those who can support you in what you do.

Example #1: After my 3rd La Leche League meeting, it finally clicked for me that they are a community that fits for me. The support of breastfeeding, while bittersweet, resonates with my understanding of the facts of human biology and bonding, and with my beliefs about connecting with and supporting your children. And so many other shared priorities make it a place to feel at home. Even though I know I will continue breastfeeding Alya as long as I can, even in my partial state, I feel regularly affirmed and reinvigorated by being with others who think similarly.

Example #2: At a recent story time at the library I ran into a woman I’ve met before who is doing elimination communication with her girl. They’re doing a lot better job than we are and are further along in the process. We had a brief conversation about it when she “caught” me peeing Alya in the bathroom. Maybe 1 minute max. And the next day, Alya & I had our longest-ever dry stretch: caught all pees and poops from 8 – 2:30! Then another long stretch after that, and much better timing in general. I’m hearing her more, connecting better, reading her signals. All because of the reinforcement of an incredibly brief conversation.

Potential Example #3: I heard today at lunch about a woman who’s having trouble breastfeeding her 1-month old. And my heart goes out to her. And I want to support her. But she’s a friend of a friend of a friend – not exactly in my circle, and I don’t want to be presumptuous and impose myself on someone. But I want to offer in some way to be of support if I can. I am going to think about it and see if I can find a way. Of course, what that support looks like, I have no idea! Nonetheless.

And then there are the times I’m not supportive. Such as a recent conversation with a new mom who has switched to formula after a month. She’s found breastfeeding far too painful – for the second time – and just can’t do it. And I had to ask if she’s talked with anyone in La Leche League and got the support to see if she can resolve the problem. So she explained why, and the unhelpful help she had sought, because I had put her on the defensive. And I’ve been there, and it’s not great. But how could I have asked or offered support not just for “whatever you do is good!” but to help someone who potentially doesn’t know that there is help out there?
I have no idea how to do this. But simply nodding and agreeing and “that’s too bad, you did the best you could” in situations where more could be done: not what I want to do anymore.
But also: judging others’ actions – whether or not I know the details – also not something I want to do.

Getting Things Done vs. Being

I am currently being. Sort of. Napped with Alya this morning. Went shopping for plants and seeds at a cool seed farm (sunshine farms) on the edge of town – that was both, really. Lunch with a friend. Some bustling during nap#2 but now chilling in bed with tea, laptop & baby, waiting for another visitor.
Still no meditating.
BUT: I did pull out fabric stash this morning! For a practical project (home-made saran wrap:

Newest thing

She will pop off while nursing and gaze at my nipple. And grab it with both hands and wiggle it back and forth. And talk with it. And put it in her mouth and babble with it, listening to how it changes her sounds. And finally open her mouth like a baby Tyrannosaurus and lunge at my breast.

In love!!

Other new thing: whole arm flapping against my chest while nursing – beat, beat, beat with her palm. Love love love. Then pinches :).

Completion and Process

I don’t know if these two can coexist, but I’m trying. To be the mom I want to be I know that process – being in the moment – matter. I also know that there are things that need doing: food to prepare, wills to write, errands to undertake – that keep us all healthy, nourished, happy and managed.
Maybe it’s a question of being in the process while doing everything. Possibly/probably.

In any case, I’m trying these sequentially at the moment: complete some things then get into a process. As I write it I think: totally backwards! But it’s what I’m doing. After some weekend stress, we decided to focus (that is, me as M is working constantly) for the next two weeks on completing the house decluttering and cleaning and to wipe off a number of items on the to-do list. And then: my spare time will be spent on writing! I have 4 more months of mat leave and I want to have some things written before it’s over.

I know that after 2 weeks things won’t be done. But more will be done. And the boxes of left-over stuff will make their way out the door. And we’ll wash the floors – it’s been a while. And we’ll have a clean, cleared off dining room table – my work area – for my writing. And it will feel good.

And I’ll even meditate too!

So far today I called about a breast pump fix; pulled about 2 inches of paperwork out of the filing cabinet to eliminate; filed other papers; sorted magazines; RSVPd for a wedding; and more.
And now: bed.